ADHD Lady Tries Working Out
I’ve been trying to be a runner.
Note: I am not a runner. I don’t really like running. Running doesn’t like me. I’m terrible at it. No amount of training seems to make me the kind of person who can just start running and be able to breathe and run at the same time. I’m fascinated by people who can do both. The idea of “in through the nose, out through the mouth” instead of gulping at the air like a fish flopping at the bottom of a flats boat just seems mysterious and magical. Kind of like being able to blow dry one’s hair so it looks professional and not “OG van-life surfer.” Those people are also curiosities.
My friend asks me, “If you don’t like it, why not doing something you enjoy?”
Sound question. Reasonable even. Makes perfect sense.
I responded first with “free” because that felt easy. And while proper shoes — so someone my age doesn’t end up with shin splints poking through my skin, a knee that bends the wrong way, and a spine that’s compressed and swollen like some sort of misshapen diseased tree branch — aren’t free, they’re a one-time cost. Well, a one at a time cost rather than a recurring expense. And if you are good at bargain hunting, you can find them reasonably priced. (I am not good at bargain hunting because that involves a level of planning I’m no longer willing to put in so it turns into panic buying when my current pair starts to look like I stole them from a train station lost and found.)
Truth is, even before the pandemic, I’d come to realize that if I have to drive someplace to workout, it’s probably not happening. Towards the end, the main the that got me out of the house for karate was the whole teaching it thing coupled with my friends expecting me for training before the black belt test.
Left to my own devices? I have to figure out clothes, what I need to bring that I’m not wearing. (ID? Weapons? Phone? Book? Keys? Earbuds? Towel? Study guide? Gloves? Water?) Then I have to figure out where I’m supposed to put the things I need but don’t need while actually working out. (Locker? Trunk? Do I need a lock for a locker? Quarters? A small bag? How does any of this work?) Then I have to figure out how long it will take to drive to the location. (Is Google right? Should I check Ways? Should I download Ways? Is that how you spell Ways? How long to I add for parking and walking in? What if it’s busy? What if it’s not? How much time to I need to account for storing things? If I don’t store things, how do I keep myself from misplacing the bag?)
Executive dysfunction is a classic part of ADHD but I never really knew it was why I was utterly incapable of getting myself from not wearing workout clothes to a gym to workout without making a list and checking it twice. (Well, now I have to figure out if a pen and list (or notebook?) is necessary for working out and if so, do I need a fountain pen, a permanent ink pen, a gel pen? Do I need a waterproof notebook? Maybe I should go online and find one of those.)
I just always thought it was part of my never-ending list of troubling personal characteristics. That’s the thing about an ADHD diagnosis as an adult. Most doctors are basically like, “Here, that these pills and that will fix you.” And that’s the ones good enough to understand ADHD in adult women well enough to diagnose it. So, it wasn’t until my 40s (way too late, y’all) that I finally started figuring out the difference between “this is a dumb thing I do because I’m a dumb person” and “this is a dumb thing I do because of ADHD.
If you think you’re just dumb or crazy or a failure, there’s no incentive to try new tactics — and often the ones people give as advice are things that work great for neurotypical people or the kind of “well, duh, if that worked we wouldn’t be having this chat” advice that makes you feel worse. “Well, yes, I know you just put your stuff in a bag and leave the house. I understand that part. It’s all the steps to get there. I know, you’ve never thought about those steps. You haven’t considered what kind of bag or where you should leave it or left the house carrying your shoes only to get halfway across town and realize you only have one sock. I know you have never carefully packed your bag only to get to the gym and realize you forgot a towel and thus wander around pretending the extra sports bra you packed (for unknown reasons) is your towel.
I have come up with all kinds of seemingly reasonable accommodations for myself. Checklists in the bag. Reminder apps. Plotting out my day in 18 colors in my Hobonichi A5. For a while, I managed to make it to Orange Theory for for 2–3 sessions a week for almost a month (or was it two?). And then it started coming off the rails. I’d reserve a time but forget to leave the house on time. (Not allowed to start class late there.) I’d reserve a time and get there only to realize I forgot my wallet with my ID or the stupid heart monitor thing that I bought thinking this was something I was capable of committing to. That impending sense of failure at having to rent a monitor thingie after buying one because you forgot it is such an ADHD classic. (Sure, NT people forget things, but I’ve yet to meet one who takes it so personally it can ruin the rest of their day.)
(I’m suddenly wondering where I put that stupid heart monitor thing. This house is littered with unfinished projects — I see you nearly-done Rosette Spoonbill painting — and equipment for abandoned sports, projects, or even jobs. And when it isn’t, it’s full of stuff I had to re-buy because I gave away or threw away a thing too soon — I see you stack of math books to make up for the massive stack of workbooks and math books I left behind when I left the school board.) This is one of the ADHD taxes. Forgetting to pay things, balance budgets, and stop subscriptions are others.)
That last one is another reason I’m hesitant to join another gym. At this point in my life, I’ve paid for enough months of unused gym memberships to keep a six-year old in shape until college. This reminds me that I just paid $19 for Noom that probably should have gone to something else, but I have actually been using the app, so there’s that. For a while I was doing much better about tracking all those subscriptions, but they’ve gotten out of hand again. (Ask me when I last did the NYT Crossword. I’ll give you a hint: It definitely wasn’t this week.)
I need exercise to be easy. I know my Ninja Friends (the group of other adult black belts I trained with for our last test who also used to gather for birthday meals and fun day activities like trying out an American Ninja Warrior Gym in the Before Times of 2019) want to schedule group walks because most of us live in the same zip code. Coordinating 4 people with 4 different jobs/families/obligations/lives is like training cats to perform on Broadway. (Note: I have seen cats perform in Mallory Square during sunset celebration in Key West, but there’s a reason he’s his own phenomenon.)
So, I don’t wait for them.
The husband likes hiking and walking, but will not run unless he’s being chased. He used to in his 20s, but he has a bad knee from high school basketball, so he doesn’t now.
So, I don’t wait for him.
I know if the weather gets bad in the afternoons, I won’t go out. Since it’s summer, and our rainy season, this is a given almost ever day now. And if it’s not raining or stormy, it’s probably close to 90 degrees (F) with 80%+ humidity.
So, I don’t wait and I go before I start teaching, even though it means getting up at 5:30 in the morning. Better that way because the part of my brain that thinks running is a bad idea is still sleeping.
And I run away from the house, so that by the time I’m tired and bored and over the whole thing, I still have to get back home. (Bonus if I also have to get back quickly enough to start teaching.)
Knowing what works for you, even if it’s walking at midnight, is key to tackling ADHD’s madness. I know it seems like that can take more than a lifetime and then you grieve all the time you lost. In the end, though, you’ll likely know yourself better than all those neurotypical people who think they have all the advice.
Or, you’ll just be running away from them faster.
