Telling
Over the past year, women (primarily) have been coming out of the proverbial woodwork to name abusers, harassers, and people who use their power to control or assault. During that time, we’ve all heard time and again, “Why didn’t she say anything before? If it was so bad, why didn’t they speak up? Why would she let him get away with it toward others?”
It’s often victim blaming directed toward women — and some men, sure — to downplay the abuse they describe, to dismiss it as “not that bad,” (a lie they’ve likely told themselves over and over to get by), and to make the speaker feel better about continuing to ignore the problem. And it’s a big problem.
It’s not the only problem, though. Non-sexual abuse in the workplace is just as common and can be just as hard to fight back against.
Someone dear to me used to work for an abusive man. He was sexually inappropriate with women in other departments, rude or bullying to people with disabilities or special needs, and treated his own male staff with such disdain they all went from confident in their abilities to questioning themselves and seeking outside validation for skills they’d used for years. To see these men at conferences or social gatherings is to talk to a group of affable dudes with varied interests but enough in common to have a jovial time together. That is, unless their boss/former boss walks up.
In his presence, almost all of them shut down as though someone pulled their power cord. They answer in single words, or mumble, or stare into the middle distance soundlessly. Working for him, they all suffered signs of trauma like nightmares, changes in appetite, increased blood pressure, or lethargy.
Several sought help from HR or supervisors above him. Comments and memos were documented. Counseling sessions were attended. Nothing ever came of it. Unlike sexual allegations, which could lead to lawsuit if considered egregious enough (because a gut-tying aversion to your office isn’t “enough”), they were all informed the bullying and nitpicking was a “management style” and “not really a problem.”
That department keeps bleeding good people, and word is out in the industry so they have a hard time hiring locally. That doesn’t solve the problem, just imports unsuspecting people to be damaged.
It’s illustrative, though, of why “telling” doesn’t always work. Far too often the person telling is seen as the troublemaker, the problem, the person who can’t just “suck it up” and “get along.” At the same time, it tells the abuser he’s free to carry on his behavior or even ramp it up to punish the person for speaking up. Rules against retaliation are frequently not followed, and especially in instances where HR or higher ups decide there’s no issue.
Overall, it’s indicative of a larger problem in our culture, one that’s tolerated — even venerated — bullies, admiring their aggression and flattering them with terms like “alpha” while rewarding them with money and power. And it’s a cultural foundation that needs to change.
